1692 – The first person is tried in the Salem Witch Trials. She was later found guilty, and executed by hanging. At the time of her hanging the sky turned blood red, witnesses were brought to their knees by screeching in a thousand different tongues, and the devil himself was seen to appear in a ring of flames to claim her soul. I think.
1731 – Martha Washington is born. Shamefully, when I first read this I didn’t think of George Washington’s wife, but rather this Martha Washington.
1740 – The Marquis de Sade is born. Soon, dudes who get boners when ladies hit them will learn that they are not alone.
1774 – The British government, in an attempt to regain control over the American colonies, enacts the Quartering Act, which allowed a colonial governor to house British soldiers basically wherever he saw fit. Unsurprisingly, this didn’t help out at all.
1835 – A big day for fans of animal cruelty, as P.T. Barnum’s circus begins its first tour of the US.
1865 – The US Civil War comes to an end, ending the bloodiest conflict in American history, and marking the end of any all cultural disagreements between the North and the South. End.
1924 – President Calvin Coolidge signs the “Indian Citizenship Act,” granting US Citizenship to any Native Americans born within the borders of the United States. To this day, Native Americans are still thanking him for his incredible generosity.
1935 – Babe Ruth retires from baseball. Whiskey and hooker revenue skyrockets.
1953 – Queen Elizabeth II is crowned Queen of England, the first internationally televised event in history. I’m sure it was all very exciting at the time.
1986 – I am born. All thank you cards can be directed towards my mother.