Yes, I said it. Go ahead, take a moment to recover from your mind just being blown.
Now, let us proceed to a topic of lasting importance which I have been too lazy to write about for a while: BASEBALL!
Fig. 1: The socially acceptable reaction
Yes, yes… go ahead and emulate the great Captain Picard if you must, but I will not be daunted by your exasperation. You see, formal leagues of athletic competition, known to the layman or yeoman as “Sports”, exist all around the world. The concept may seem foreign to readers of this blog, who choose to avoid physical exertion in favor of reading comics like “The Sentry”, but you must embrace the pain and expand your horizons my friends, if you wish to be a well rounded and charming person like yours truly.
“But Geo,” I hear you ask, voice trembling in awe and confusion, “How do I know which team to follow in the great american sport of baseball?”
Simple my friend, The San Francisco Giants.
A few months back I spoke about this team and some statistics related to them. I’m pretty sure no one read that, as with all the articles of this magnificent blog, but I shall persist. The fact of the matter is the Giants are like butter right now… because they are on a ROLL (see Fig. 1). They have won 17 out of the their last 21 games, and stand a very very good chance of making it to the post season barring some tragically ironic losing streak beginning right after I post this article.
It seems after that asshole Barry Bonds retired, the Giants decided to put together a real baseball team, as opposed to their original strategy of going with a single steroid enhanced proto-human and 24 random dudes wearing baseball jerseys. There are a lot of players worth mentioning who have contributed to the Giants’ success, but I would like to point out two rookie players in particular:
How many guys are named "Buster" these days?
23 year old catcher, and secret ingredient needed for producing rings around the rosey (1 pocketful each), Gerald “Buster” Posey has been nothing but money since being called up to the major leagues in the early summer. For the month of July, he’s hitting somewhere close to .450 (ungodly in baseball), and has a season batting average around .363 (still ungodly in baseball). At the time of this writing he’s also working on a 21 game hitting streak, 1 game shy of the San Francisco rookie record of 22, set by Willie McCovey. Studies suggest that possessing even peripheral knowledge about this player makes one more attractive to the opposite sex, and wildly successful as a business professional.
This expression strikes overwhelming fear in opposing batters, and a vague sense of discomfort in everybody else
Madison Bumgarner has a woefully mockable surname, which naturally has forged him into a tremendous athlete after years of verbal abuse from peers, role models, and figures of state. He’s 20 years old, and will make far more money over the span of his career than any of us can hope to match. Since being called up from the minors this season to replace Todd “Groovemaster” Wellemyer, he has a very sharp 4 – 2 record with a 2.43 era. Even in his two losses he’s pitched admirably, bouncing back to finish strong against powerhouse teams like the Red Sox. Sometimes I wish I was better that throwing baseballs so I could become amazingly wealthy doing nothing but throwing baseballs for my career, as opposed to the soul-crushing void of life as a professional rocket scientist.
Despite how obviously exciting it is to watch rookie players during their breakout seasons, I fear that my unwilling audience is struggling to see the relevance to their own baseball ignorant lives. Well, fear not my friends, because I leave you with a humorous Giants-related tidbit I think anyone can enjoy:
Giants closing pitcher Brian Wilson was just fined $1000 for wearing bright orange cleats during a recent ballgame against the marlins:
Pitching in style with the loudest cleats on planet earth
The Marlins’ manager complained that the shoes were “too bright”, and the National League slapped Wilson with a $1K fine, stating that at least 50% of his cleats must be the team’s primary color (black), whereas orange is San Francisco’s secondary color.
Wilson had this to say: “I’m surprised he hasn’t asked for these to be drug-tested for performance-enhancing cleats, because apparently they throw 97 to 100 with cut if you put them on and the ball magically disappears. It was a $1,000 fine for my cleats being too awesome. It will go to charity so it’s money well-spent.”
Well said, Wilson. Well said…
Thats it for my inane baseball ramblings today. Whenever Durandal is finished playing Starcraft 2, I would expect a full review filled with laughter, drama, and thrilling plot twists. If he does not live up to expectations I will be forced to hijack this blog even more frequently. As you were, citizen.