In some video game I’m sure there’s a character with a gun instead of a hand. Like in Grindhouse, except it’s a leg I think, and that’s a movie, not a video game. Maybe Barret from Final Fantasy? Honestly, I don’t know. Is that even how you spell his name? In Advent Children this one guy had a sword that was a gun. And it’s a movie about a game.
Whatever. I’m wasting my time trying to pander to the video game crowd when, more importantly: baseball.
I am an Orioles fan. We don’t have a lot to legitimately cheer about, so for now we take pride in the little things. Like, for example…
Nick Markakis literally has a gun at the end of his left arm instead of a hand.
In baseball, saying a player “has a gun” means they have a strong and accurate throwing arm. Markakis, the stoic young Greek right fielder and my second-favorite Oriole, actually has a gun. Somewhere in the nanoseconds after fielding a ball, he releases a projectile towards the intended target at absurd velocities. He is always accurate and often fatal.
Watch! (But don’t look directly at him, or you’ll go blind)
Teams don’t run on Nick Markakis anymore.
Obviously, he doesn’t actually have a gun. Yes, I said literally earlier. Deal with it, grammar snobs. No baseball player actually has a gun…except for Luke Scott, who fells and quarters giant oaks in the offseason to stay in shape and is my number one favorite Oriole, and who carries a concealed firearm for personal protection.