Well, the Giants just lost to the Dodgers, 2 to 1, so it must be baseball season again! Enjoy the 0-1 record and 0.00 ERA Lincecum. I’m sure your teammates were just committing those errors as an opening day prank. On Saturday I’m going to Dodger Stadium for the 3rd game of the series, and my favorite player, Matt Cain, will take the mound. Remember Matt, you play for the Giants and they just LOVE scoring lots of runs, so stick to your motto:
Anyways! Onto my predictions for the 2011 MLB season:
American League Division Winners:
East – Red Sox
Central – Twins
West – A’s
Wildcard – Rays
The Red Sox have great talent, so if they can just STOP the damn pre-game workout drill of attacking Jacoby Ellsbury’s ribs with sledgehammers, things should go well for them. The Twins are the least mediocre of all the AL Central teams, and the A’s only have to compete against 3 other teams in the AL West, and one of those teams is the Seattle Mariners, so… the A’s have a 1 in 3 chance of making it to the post season by default. The Rays take the wild card because fuck the goddamn New York Yankees, that’s why. Not only are they assholes, but they’re old, shambling, and CC Sabathia keeps eating the coaching staff.
National League Division Winners:
East – Phillies *sigh*
Central – Reds
West – Giants!
Wildcard – Rockies
The Phillies win the NL East because… well… they have all the good players. I have the feeling that might help them win more games. They’ve also perfected the art of going deep into the postseason and losing, and they wouldn’t want to break with tradition. The Reds win the NL Central because- what’s that? No, the Brewers won’t win. No, they won’t. I don’t care if they have Grienke, he’s a blonde dandy with social anxiety problems who gets hurt playing basketball… and Prince Fielder keeps eating all the baseballs they try to practice with. The Giants win the NL West because they’ll somehow manage to scrape up JUST enough runs to win 90-ish games on the heavily burdened shoulders of their pitching staff. The Rockies are a streaky team. They’ll probably have some crazy winning streak somewhere in the season to bring them just close enough to make it.
Of course, now that these predictions have been published, watch the World Series come down to the Pirates vs. the Orioles. Actually, you know what, I hope it DOES come down to the Pirates and the Orioles, because no franchise can be THAT BAD for THAT LONG without violating the laws of the cosmos.
Kansas City must be a depressing place to be a baseball fan.
In any case, those are my predictions for the 2011 MLB season. I look forward to being proven wrong in an incredibly embarrassing and public manner.